Thursday, October 22, 2015

Mooo Point!!!!

Driving on the Mumbai - Pune highway blazing in all its glory; the excitement was palpable; the excitement was not because; as part of our induction program our employer was taking us to a "I do not know how many stars resort" (it was definitely more than 5) in Lavassa but because the General Election 2014 results were coming in. The BJP juggernaut was blowing everything in its path and storming its way to power. I remember clenching my fist and shouting out loud the BJP's marketing masterstroke of a tagline "Achhe din aane wale hai." Its not as if I was or am a great fan of their Prime Ministerial candidate then and PM now but it was great to not have a moron as a PM and get rid of this dynasty politics. That fateful Arnab interview did more for the nation than we realize.

One and half years on and a couple of decent budgets later; the economy is booming, a bunch of 20 somethings have taken the nation by storm, gazillions of dollars are flowing and yet the news headlines everyday are not even remotely related to these but some non-nonsensical drama about religion, beef and what not. There has been a murder (lets call it that period) because the poor guy apparently stored beef in his refrigerator. A big shout out to all you morons out there! You saved the day for all of us Hindus; I mean how dare someone even think of having beef. You know what lets kill everyone and anyone who dares to do that; lets start a civil war; our precious religion is in danger. Lets forget about getting a job, lets forget about earning a living and more importantly lets forget about humanity. BTW where are you people when hundreds of thousands of cows roam on the roads of your cities where actually vehicles are supposed to ply. Why dont you get them sheds, take care of them, give them food; this is how you are supposed to treat someone you worship? What is going to happend to them once they are of no use to their owners? but who is asking these questions and it doesnt make good television too. Mouse is supposed to be Lord Ganesha's ride; there is a whole tribe in East India who eat mice (they are known by the name which suggests that too), why not stop them. Just in case you didnt now they are Hindus too. Goddess Durga's ride is Lion, we poached them and sold their bones and skin until they were on their verge of being extinct; they were not Hindus, were they?

Price of pulses is soaring but lets discuss who ate beef and who didnt. I voted for change, I voted to remove dynasty politics from India, I didnt vote to read all this mess in the newspapers everyday. Law and order is the responsibility of the state government; agreed and to expect that the current party in power in UP will uphold the rule of law is foolhardy; agreed but if the party at centre does not banish its miscreants and also some of its allied; there will be another "wave" which shift the ground beneath its feet before they say "meat ban." If you have to ban to prevent animal cruelty, its more understandable but then ban all animal slaughter ( please dont do it, I cant survive without mutton). Mr. Lalu Yadav is seldom right and him talking logic is even rare but he was right when he said some Hindus eat beef too, I have sat across while some Hindu friends of mine have had beef. They are far better human beings than all these idiots and faith and religion is supposed to make you a better person so by that logic they are far better Hindus too. Dear Mr. PM we voted for you to become our CEO so that the Nation improves as a whole not just the economy, we did not vote to live under the fear that a mob will knock on our doors and ask for your religion or better still ask us to pull down our pants so that they can verify for themselves. Yes, the media is biased against you, but you have to make it work despite them. The economy might be improving, but no banana republic has ever succeeded, a look at our neighbors is enough to prove this. We did not vote for Dadri Mr. PM, we did not vote for this shit. As the urdu poet Faiz had said "Ye daag daag ujaalaa, ye shab gaziidaa sahar wo intazaar thaa jis kaa, ye wo sahar to nahii.ye wo sahar to nahii. jis kii aarazuu lekar chale the yaar ki mil jaayegii kahii na kahii"

Till that sahar comes; as another great poet Joey Tribbiani had said "its all moooo"!!!!

Sunday, May 10, 2015

"Khana Khaya ki Nahi"

Mom, it has been 10 years since I left home and yet "khana khaya ki nahi" is still the question I answer every night, if the answer is yes then I have to explain the entire recipe to you and God save me if the answer is no. Mom it is okay sometimes if I skip a meal or eat a tad bit later, I am not going to fall sick. I am not actually dying of malnutrition if I skip a meal. This question becomes a little more complex when you call on a Friday or a Saturday night, when suddenly I have 15 missed calls on my phone and all of them from you. Mom, if I do not pick up the phone that means I may be busy (and Mom I will be busy on Friday and Saturday night) , it does not necessarily mean that I may be lying in a ditch somewhere. Sometimes when my voice is heavy, it is just because I slept too much not because I guzzled a pitcher of ice. ( well, though sometimes it does :P)

It is funny how the person who loves you the most in the world suddenly imagines the worst possible things that can happen to you, all you have to do is not pick your mother's call a couple of times. When I ride my bike Mom, I drive carefully because you know I also kind of like to keep myself alive, I do not drive at breakneck speed, doing all kinds of stunts which I know you imagine me doing everyday. I never understood your plans for me, you wanted me to ace IIT, clear IIM and then become an IAS. I screwed up JEE; MBA yeah just change the placement of an I and I was there and sure as hell I am not going to prepare for UPSC. So yeah Mom; we are on the same plane, you do not listen to me, I do not listen to you.

Well before I diss you some more, I will accept I am not the greatest son in the world either. I can find all my clothes, socks, towels when I am on my own and suddenly when home for holidays these things magically disappear. Well may be because you have put them on proper shelves and I habitually search for them on the floor. I suddenly develop a dislike for bhindi, lauki and all those vegetables supposedly good for your health when you are cooking, because I know; no matter how sick or tired you are you will cook something I like. I suddenly start sleeping for lengths which is more closer to animal's hibernation than a human body's needs when I know you are there to tell Dad to mind his own business when he tries to wake me up. You are what Sridevi played in English Vinglish; though I would like to believe I was a better child than them.

If mothers had their way every son would look like Adnan Sami (before he got those surgeries done). It is okay if you have not taken bath for some days, they will curse you but then, will come a voice "subah se kuch khaya ki nahi". Needless to say I miss you Maa, but since I am so very good at expressing my emotions even when absolutely necessary you know I am never gonna say it.

You make me proud when you go for computer lessons so that you can follow me on social media. Though that pride comes with beads of cold sweat. The thought of you following all my activities gives me goosebumps even now. I thank profusely to Facebook for all those privacy settings; hell would break lose if you had full access. You make me proud when you struggle to work your way through a smart phone. You taught me never to give up. I miss you more than I would like to say though you would be the worst censor board to my life. I miss walking behind you with holding the fag end of your aanchal through my fingers ( i vaguely remember it). I miss your food (ahh that mutton and fish). No matter how hard I try, I still can't cook like you; and I am not saying this just because you are my Mom, but you are the best cook in the world.

I miss you running your hand through my hair; well I also miss my hair to begin with. And I know I need to work out when you no longer say "kitna dubla ho gaya hai". I miss coming home late to your glares because I played cricket with my friends 10 minutes more. I miss coming home from school only to listen (Maths me 95! 100 kyu nahi aaya). You taught me right from the very beginning, never to be satisfied; to always aim higher. Though you take it a bit too far when you still ask me to prepare for UPSC, but it is not you it's Bihar running in your veins. I have been accused of someone who likes to please people, well all my life I saw you take care of everyone ignoring yourself; some of it was bound to rub off on me and only you could look through my facade of being happy.

I know this too is a facade to write about you on mother's day, and you do know that I do not believe in such days. But I felt like writing about you today, I may not have written well since you are much more than just a page of an unworthy son's writing. And I could go on but Maa "Subah se kuch khaya nai hai" :P

Love you!!!!